Book Reports are Due!

 

I've been reading a lot of expert opinions on child rearing lately.  And while I have a hard time buying in directly to "expert" opinions, especially for something as varied and subjective as parenting, I did enjoy these books.  

First up:  No-Drama Discipline by Daniel Siegel, MD & Tina Bryson, PhD.  This book helped me see tantrums differently.  We haven't fully entered the toddler world of tantrums yet, but it's definitely coming.  We've had a few sneak peeks.  It was good to be reminded that kids literally don't have the ability to process their emotions yet, hence the meltdowns.  And the way they learn self control is by observing others and practicing.  So if I can't keep my cool in a tantrum, it's not going to help TerraDactyl learn how to keep her cool.

The book also brought up some common triggers for misbehavior.  Being: hungry, angry, lonely, or tired reduce a child's ability to use higher thought processes.  Which also means that trying to teach lessons while a child is melting down is a waste of time.  The kid needs time to calm down before they're even capable of thinking.  Kids aren't dogs, they don't need an immediate lesson in order to tie their behavior to the consequences.  

I've definitely noticed that days go smoother when I don't lose track of snack times.  I've also implemented some of the techniques, like using touch or cuddles to calm a child before trying to have a conversation about the problem, trying to help kids name what's upsetting them ("was that scary?" vs "you're fine").  I've also been trying to train myself to speak in the positive (ie "we can do that after your nap" vs "no, we're not doing that").  

The other book I've found really interesting and useful is Hunt, Gather, Parent by Michaeleen Doucleff, PhD.  The book takes a look at how some of the oldest cultures in the world raise children who tend to be happy and helpful.  It was very interesting.  And very helpful so far.  

The book points out that toddlers love to help.  But parents usually try to distract kids with toys so that the adults can get the real work done.  After repeatedly rebuffing toddlers and young children, kids eventually stop trying to help and then end up surly teenagers who are incensed when parents expect them to help.  In a lot of cultures, (mostly non-Western cultures) toddlers are expected to help out.  The more they help, the more helpful they are.  

This was something I needed to hear.  I was basically saving up all my chores for nap time and after TerraDactyl went to bed.  But the book pointed out that toddlers need to see how parents do tasks to learn how those tasks are done.  And then toddlers can practice doing tasks with their parents.  It slows things down in the beginning, but in the long run, it's very helpful.  

So TerraDactyl and I have been doing more simple tasks together.  She helps load and unload the dishwasher.  She LOVES adding the soap pods to the dishwasher.  She also really likes pushing the buttons on the dishwasher, but she hasn't quite agreed to push the buttons to select the cycles I want, so there's a bit of slight of hand there at the end.  It's amazing how much TerraDactyl likes doing this chore.  Sometimes I'll start doing dishes while she's finishing up breakfast and TerraDactyl gets upset that she can't help (so I usually end up waiting for her).  Doing dishes has become an easy way to head off a disagreement.  If she's doing something she's not supposed to do... say, playing with the fireplace screen... it's really hard to get her attention off that screen.  But I can redirect her attention "mommy needs to unload the dishwasher, why don't you come help?" and TerraDactyl is more than willing to let the screen go, leave the room, and start doing a productive activity.  

The book points out that the key to getting toddlers to be helpful is to always accept their help.  Even if they can't help with the entire task, there's probably some small part they can do.  Toddlers are great at fetching.  TerraDactyl likes seasoning the asparagus when I cook it.  TerraDactyl can even help put clothes into the washing machine (and she also likes pushing the buttons).  Helping carry groceries and put them away.  The tasks are all small and simple, but legitimate contributions, even if it is a bit slower than if I did it all by myself.  And when the toddler loses interest, the book says to let them wander off.  Although to be honest, TerraDactyl usually sees things through to the end.  

The book also emphasized that the way kids help may not be exactly how we want them to help.  There's definitely some flexibility required.  And while I'm not thrilled when TerraDactyl plucks off a strawberry leaf while we're weeding, it's OK.  As she gets older she'll be better able to distinguish between weeds and delicious food producing plants.  And that ability will come that much sooner the more exposure she has to productive work.  And sometimes, the way a child chooses to do a task differently isn't even wrong.  It's just different.  It doesn't really matter if we dump the weeding bucket more frequently.  Or if we don't completely finish weeding one section before moving to the next (let's be honest, it's not like I'll ever finish weeding).  

I love the face she's making as she pushes her face against the crib bars while trying to reach her monkey.  And notice that TerraDacyl has removed her pants.  There were also some helpful philosophical tips in the book too.  Like "anger toward a child is unproductive."  It generates conflict, builds tension and stops communication.  When a parent yells, the child stops learning.  When you argue with a child, you just give them practice arguing.  

The book also brought up the awesomeness of awe.  You can train your child (and yourself) to CHOOSE to swap an unproductive emotion (like anger) out for a positive feeling (like awe or gratitude).  This literally rewires your brain.  Kid brains are so malleable, it’s particularly effective with kids.  And it works!  I've used this with TerraDactyl.  She'll be upset over something, like me strapping her into her high chair, and I can point out the beautiful flowers, or the birds out the window and it calms her down.  Nature is a pretty easy place to find awe (for me), even just a weed growing through concrete is pretty amazing if you think about it.  But technology is pretty awe-inspiring too.  And of course, there's always art and music.  

So yeah, it was a really though provoking book.  I've definitely found it helpful, and I'm hopeful it will continue to be useful as TerraDactyl grows.  

Here's a video during one of TerraDactyl's nap strikes.  She figured out how to reach through the bars of her crib and lift large stuffed animals up and over the top railing so she could play with them in her crib.  She's playing with her Blues Clues dog.  There's a button on her back that makes the dog talk, so that's why TerraDactyl keeps hitting it.  Sorry the quality is not great, it's hard trying to avoid reflections.